Lexington
列克星敦

Read it and weep
异想天开
May 21st 2009
From The Economist print edition

Comedians have yet to figure out how to mock Barack Obama. The only exception is a newspaper founded in 1421
时政嘲讽砖手多数还未摸到取笑奥巴马的窍门，唯有一家1421年创办的老报鹤立鸡群

Illustration by KAL

REAL reporting is easy. Making the news up is much harder. So the weekly editorial meeting at the Onion, a spoof newspaper based in New York, is intense. One writer clutches a human skull. Another wields a threatening stick. Yet another walks in late, looking scruffy and eating a chocolate cereal bar. Alert readers would recognise him as the cover model for a feature in 2006 on “Heterosexual Men’s Fashion”.
真新闻好做，假新闻难造。固此，在驻守纽约的幽默讽刺报《洋葱》所召集的每周编辑碰头会上，气氛紧张而刺激。一名写手紧抓着一付骷髅头骨，另一位挥动着一根吓人的棍子。还有一人姗姗来迟。他衣衫不整，一边啃着一块巧克力干压谷条。有心的读者不难认出，他曾是06年某期《异性恋男人时尚》杂志上的封面模特。

Someone hands round a list of 124 bogus headlines, all written in the sombre style of the New York Times. After two hours of raucous banter, the list is winnowed to a dozen. At a second meeting, the chosen headlines are fleshed out and writers are assigned to turn them into stories. Recent gems include “Detroit Mayor Throws First Brick in Glass-Breaking Ceremony for New Slum” and “Hero Woman Changes in Front of Open Window”. Alas, Lexington is not at liberty to disclose next week’s fake news. But the headlines that were scrapped are not bad. An opinion piece by Barack Obama, for example, is entitled “Should You Ever Feel Despair, Simply Remember How Eloquent I Am”.
有人向与会者们递上列有124 条假新闻标题的表单，上面一律模仿着《纽约时报》那种严肃担忧的口吻。一番两小时之久的喧嚷争执之后，124 条标题减得只剩下12条。在第二轮周会中，选中的题目经添枝加叶并交由各路写手展开成新闻故事。最近的几篇亮点包括 《底特律市长在新贫民窟动工典礼上丢下第一块砖》和《英雄女子站在敞开的窗前更衣》。唉，列克星敦因权限所缚，不得透露下周的假新闻。不过，那些被淘汰的并非垃圾，比如一篇署名为“奥巴马”的评论，标题是《在你感到孤助无望时，只要记得我怎样能言善辩》

The real Mr Obama baffles other comedians. David Letterman, a talk-show host, describes him as “cogent, eloquent, and in complete command of the issues” and sighs: “What the hell am I supposed to do with that?” The new president is “not fat, not cheating on his wife, not stupid, not angry and not a phoney”, complains Bill Maher, another small-screen joker. Chris Rock, a stand-up comic, likens Mr Obama to Brad Pitt. “There’s no Brad Pitt jokes,” he told CNN. “You know, what are you going to say? ‘Ooh, you used to have sex with Jennifer Aniston. Now you have sex with Angelina Jolie. You’re such a loser’.”
而真正的奥巴马让其余的讽刺砖家们无从下嘴。访谈主持人David Letterman 形容奥巴马具有“令人信服、能言善辩、运筹帷幄”的特点之后叹道:”高手如此，徒奈其何？”  另一个电视幽默评论员Bill Maher抱怨说：这位新总统“既不肥臃、又不偷情、既不愚蠢、也不暴躁，总之不是个虚伪作假之人” 。单口秀演员【2】Chris Rock 则认为奥巴马可与影星Brad Pitt 有一比：“Brad 就没有笑料可挖”，他告诉CNN，“对他，你能说些什么呢？总不能说，咳呀，你以前与Jennifer Aniston上床，现在咋弄成了Angelina Jolie【3】呢，你真是个倒霉蛋吧？！”

At the White House correspondents’ dinner this month, Mr Obama was the guest of honour. The traditional task of roasting him fell to Wanda Sykes, a comedienne. Visibly star-struck, she ignored the crowd and addressed herself to the president, who was sitting nearby. She teased him for looking handsome with his shirt off, and saved her venom for his critics. Of Rush Limbaugh, a conservative talk-radio star, she said: “I hope his kidneys fail.” On hearing her routine, Christopher Hitchens, a polemicist, remarked that “when comedians flatter the president, they become court jesters, and the country becomes a banana republic.”
在本月召开的记者招待晚会上，奥巴马总统尊为荣誉嘉宾。把他送上调侃烤架的传统重任落在说笑演员Wanda Sykes的肩头。带着毫无掩饰的超粉味，她没多理会与会的众宾客，便径直向坐在邻近的总统作自我介绍。她戏说总统脱掉衬衫后一定更加迷人，却将辛辣对准批评总统的人。当提及一保守的电台明星主持Rush Limbaugh时，她“希望那厮的肝肾烂掉”。此番论调，遭到了口齿锋利的Christopher Hitchens反唇相讥，他说：“一旦幽默评论员对总统阿谀奉承起来，他（她）们就变成了宫廷弄臣，国家也就跟着变成了香蕉共和国【4】”。

Mr Obama himself can be pretty amusing. His speechwriters are skilful and he delivers punchlines with a certain deadpan panache. Discussing his plans for his second 100 days in office, for example, he promised to “design, build and open a library dedicated to my first 100 days”, and to “strongly consider losing my cool”. One can’t help noticing that when Mr Obama mocks himself, he mocks himself for being super-human.
其实，奥巴马自己就娴熟诙谐打诨之术。在他的演说稿中，不仅讲稿作者穿插笑话的经验丰富，奥巴马说到妙句时也能一本正经地板着面孔。例如，谈论其白宫第二个百日纪念时，他保证说，会替他的第一个百日纪念“设计、建立并开放一座图书馆”，而且会“极其认真地考虑丢掉我那份‘酷’劲儿”。听众留意到，每当奥巴马自嘲时，他总是在调侃自己的非凡超人之处。

Conservative satirists would love to toss some kryptonite at him, but he is a slippery target. His race makes some cautious, for a start. And anti-Obama jokes on the internet are pathetic. Most sound bitter rather than witty. For example: “Why did Barack Obama cross the road? Answer: To help the other side.” Conservative cartoonists are struggling to pierce Mr Obama’s armour. Sometimes the best they can do is to suggest that, in time, he will not look so impressive. For example, Scott Stantis, a cartoonist for the Birmingham News of Alabama, drew a picture of a big ugly monster labelled “The blame” inching towards the desk in the Oval Office. “Is that thing getting closer?” asks Mr Obama.
保守的讽刺家们自然乐于寻找一切机会向他扔几枚氪星弹【5】，结果发现他这个靶子滑溜溜地难抓。首先，他们对他的种族身份就不得不小心一些。而网络上那些反奥巴马的笑话则可怜无料，且多数都是酸味重而妙趣少。信手拈一则来看吧：“问: 奥巴马为何横穿马路？ 答：去另一边帮手”。保守卡通漫画家们也苦于无法刺穿奥氏的盔甲。他们最多不过是提醒读者说：时光流逝变迁，奥巴马将失去他的迷人魅力。Scott Stantis是阿拉巴马州《博明翰新闻》（Birmingham News）的卡通画家，他画了一个又大又丑的怪物，挂着“罪责”的标签爬向总统办公室。画上的奥巴马问：“那怪物越来越近了吗？”【6】

Liberal satirists feel they ought to goad the powerful, but it no longer comes naturally now that George Bush has buzzed back to Texas. Sometimes they mock Mr Obama for not quite living up to their colossal expectations. Jon Stewart, a satirical television pundit, ribs the new president for failing to distinguish himself from Mr Bush as quickly and completely as Mr Stewart would like him to. For example, Mr Obama has not yet stopped the armed forces from discharging soldiers—including Arabic-speakers—for being gay. So it was OK to waterboard a terrorist over 80 times, fumed Mr Stewart, but not OK that the soldier who could actually understand him should have a boyfriend.
民主派讽刺家们认为他们理当戳痛当权人物，可他们失去了那份理所当然，尤其如今布什已回府德州。他们偶尔讽刺总统没有兑现向他们承偌的宏愿。Jon Stewart是名电视幽默节目主持。他讥讽新总统没有像Stewart先生期待的那般，及时彻底地与布什划清界线。比如，总统到现在还没有阻止军队迫使同性恋（包括会说阿拉伯语的）士兵退伍。他怒气冲冲地抱怨：军队能容许对恐怖分子上80次“灌水大刑”，却不容许通其语言的士兵交个男朋友。

Black Man gets Worst Job
黑人落得最差劲的工作。

The writers of the Onion are unencumbered by any obvious party loyalty. To fit in, you have to hate everything around you, muses Joe Randazzo, the editor. Hence the headline that greeted Mr Obama’s election victory: “Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job”. The Onion News Network, an online video venture, did a segment entitled “Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters to Realise How Empty Their Lives Are”. The camera showed pitiful young campaign volunteers lying comatose on a couch or wandering aimlessly through a park. “Who will take care of these people?” asked the anchor. “We really don’t know. Many have already driven away their friends and family with months of endless praise for Obama’s latest speech and constant reminders to vote,” said the breathless correspondent on the scene. “That does sound annoying,” said the anchor.
《洋葱》作者们无需对任何党派表示忠心。监督编辑Joe Randazzo说, 想入伙的话，你只需痛恨你周边的所有一切。因此，欢迎奥巴马竞选获胜的新闻标题就这样出炉了： “黑人被给予全国最差劲的工作”。《洋葱新闻传播网》网络视频公司曾制作了一段新闻，题为《奥巴马的获胜引发其狂热支持者们意识到，他们的生活有多空虚》。镜头之下的一群可怜兮兮的年轻竞选志愿者们，或神智不清地躺在沙发上，或目标不明地在公园里晃荡。主持人问：“谁在关注这群人呢？” 视频上报道员上气不接下气地回答：“我们真不知道。他们许多人几个月来没完没了地称赞奥巴马的最新演讲、提醒他人投票，已经让亲朋好友们惟恐躲之不及了！” 主持人：“这些做法的确令人生厌啊！”

The Onion lampooned previous presidents, of course. No prizes for guessing who inspired the headline “New President Feels Nation’s Pain, Breasts”, or who regaled dinner guests with an impromptu oration on Virgil’s minor works. What sets the Onion apart, however, is that Mr Obama has not blunted its barbs at all. On the contrary, the way more serious journalists fawn over the new president offers an irresistible target. “Media Having Trouble Finding Right Angle on Obama’s Double Homicide”, the Onion reported last month. “‘I know there’s a story in there somewhere’,” said the editor of Newsweek, after Mr Obama brutally murdered a suburban couple. The Onion is better at spotting good yarns, which is why, despite the recession, it is prospering. The main threats it faces are that its staff might grow up—or that the earnest papers it parodies may go out of business.
当然，《洋葱》们对前任总统们一贯冷嘲热讽。因此，我们无需去猜测是谁捣鼓出“新总统体验了国家的痛苦：乳房” 这段新闻，又或谁曾即兴借一首维吉尔的小诗来娱乐晚宴的嘉宾。《洋葱》与众不同的，是“奥巴马”完全没有挫掉它的锐利。相反，那些严肃记者们转而讨好新总统的行为正好成了它不可放过的靶子。《洋葱》上月报道：《媒体对奥巴马双重谋杀案毫无厘头》。在“奥巴马”残杀了一对家居郊区夫妇之后，《新闻周刊》的编辑只会说：“我知道线索一定藏在什么地方”，而《洋葱》却能更机智地找到好线索。所以，即使在萧条季节，它也照样生机勃勃。它所面对的最大威胁可能是其自身雇员的成长老化，或者是它所模仿的那家严肃认真的报纸关门大吉。

注释：

【1】标题与06年迪斯尼喜剧电影《少女异想日记》同名。电影大意是一名少女因日记无意中得到发表，随后成名、变质，遭到好友的离弃。但最终她又幡然悔悟，回归迪斯尼典型的皆大欢喜结局之中。

【2】演员单人站立竭尽其嬉笑怒骂之表演技巧娱乐观众，形似中国的单口相声。

【3】Brad 大概是许多人眼中的幸运儿
Jennifer Aniston & Angelina Jolie

【4】香蕉共和国，是一个经济体系属于单一经济（通常是经济作物如香蕉、可可、咖啡等）、拥有不民主或不稳定的政府，特别是那些拥有广泛贪污和强大外国势力介入的国家的贬称。通常指中美洲和加勒比海的小国家。（wiki）

【5】kryptonite：氪星石，用来制服超人的。

【6】欲看漫画请移步2楼，感谢eastx搜索辛苦！

《经济学人》（The Economist ( http://www.economist.com ))
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skttos:  http://www.ecocn.org/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=19422