[2006.09.09] Fear of flying：Welcome aboard

Fear of flying飞行恐惧

Welcome aboard
欢迎乘坐本次航班
Sep 7th 2006
From The Economist print edition
 

In-flight announcements are not entirely truthful. What might an honest one sound like? 

机舱广播未必都可当真。一个诚实的版本会是什么样的呢？

“GOOD morning, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted to welcome you aboard Veritas Airways, the airline that tells it like it is. Please ensure that your seat belt is fastened, your seat back is upright and your tray-table is stowed. At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first priority. Actually, that is not quite true: if it were, our seats would be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since they are safer in the event of an emergency landing. But then hardly anybody would buy our tickets and we would go bust.

“女士们，先生们，早上好。感谢您搭乘真相航空公司的航班，我们的服务正如公司名称一样，只讲真话。请您系好安全带，将座椅靠背调直，收起小桌板。在真相航班上，您的安全是我们的首要考虑。说实在的，没那回事儿。如果真是安全第一的话，我们的座椅应该和军机一样是背对背的，那样，在紧急迫降时才比较安全。当然，如果我们的座椅真的改成了那样，就没人会买我们的票，我们也就关门大吉了。”

The flight attendants are now pointing out the emergency exits. This is the part of the announcement that you might want to pay attention to. So stop your sudoku for a minute and listen: knowing in advance where the exits are makes a dramatic difference to your chances of survival if we have to evacuate the aircraft. Also, please keep your seat belt fastened when seated, even if the seat-belt light is not illuminated. This is to protect you from the risk of clear-air turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance that can cause severe injury. Imagine the heavy food trolleys jumping into the air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will have some idea of how nasty it can be. We don’t want to scare you. Still, keep that seat belt fastened all the same.

航班服务员们正在指示紧急出口的位置。这是空中提示中您需要注意的一部分。请暂停一下您的数独游戏，仔细听好：如果我们需要撤离机舱的话，事前知道紧急出口的位置将极大地增加您逃生的机会。另外，请您在坐着时系紧安全带，哪怕指示灯没亮。这样可以使您免受晴空湍流的侵袭，这种气流很少见但威胁极大，有可能造成严重伤害。想象一下满载食品的手推车被颠到了空中，然后猛地砸在行李柜上，这下您可以想见它有多糟了吧。我们不是想吓唬您。总之您系好安全带就是了。

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.

救生衣可以在您的座椅下找到，不过请您现在勿动。实话实说，您就甭想着动它了。因为在航空史上，宽体客机水上降落的成功率为零，假若您真的用得上它了，我们可就创造了史无前例的奇迹了。本飞机还备有充气滑梯，用它们可以组成救生筏。不过那也是摆设。在使用充气滑梯时请脱掉您的高跟鞋。我们或许还可以这般补充,您的太空帽和反重力安全带都要摘掉——反正说到充气板组成救生筏时就已经够科幻的了。

Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the aircraft’s navigation systems. At least, that’s what you’ve always been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that doesn’t sound quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by mistake, so if they were really dangerous we would not allow them on board at all, if you think about it. We will have to come clean about this next year, when we introduce in flight calling across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of taking a cut of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our safety concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.

请您关掉手机，因为它会影响飞机的导航系统。至少，这是他们喋喋不休跟您强调的。需要关掉手机的真实原因是它们会影响地面上的移动通讯网络，只是这个理由不是那么动听罢了。在大多数航班里，总有个别手机忘记关了，想一想，如果它们真的有危险，我们是根本不会允许您携带其登机的。明年本航空公司将引进空中通话服务，到那时，我们会和盘托出（飞机上不能打电话）这个幌子。毕竟，和从天价话费中分得一杯羹相比，打手机的安全根本不是个问题。

On channel 11 of our in-flight entertainment system you will find a video consisting of abstract imagery and a new-age soundtrack, with a voice-over explaining some exercises you can do to reduce the risk of deep-vein thrombosis. We are aware that this video is tedious, but it is not meant to be fun. It is meant to limit our liability in the event of lawsuits.

在我们航班娱乐系统的11频道，您会看到一段画面相当抽象的录像，同时听到新世纪风格的配乐，还有画外音教您做一些锻炼，以降低静脉脑血栓风险，我们知道这段录像很冗长，但它本来就不是用来寻开心的。我们只是借它来尽量减轻自己的责任——如果我们遭遇相关诉讼的话。

Once we have reached cruising altitude you will be offered a light meal and a choice of beverages—a word that sounds so much better than just saying ‘drinks’, don’t you think? The purpose of these refreshments is partly to keep you in your seats where you cannot do yourselves or anyone else any harm. Please consume alcohol in moderate quantities so that you become mildly sedated but not rowdy. That said, we can always turn the cabin air-quality down a notch or two to help ensure that you are sufficiently drowsy.

一旦进入高空平稳飞行，我们就会提供简单的饭点还有各种饮品——“饮品”这个词比单叫“喝的”强多了，您不觉得吗？提供这些小点心的目的是让您好好呆在座位上，省得给自己或别人带来任何麻烦。请不吝小酌几杯，这样您就会微醺而又不至于大吵大闹了。当然啊，我们还能把机舱里里的氧气调低一到两格，使您觉得昏昏欲睡。

After take-off, the most dangerous part of the flight, the captain will say a few words that will either be so quiet that you will not be able to hear them, or so loud that they could wake the dead. So please sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. We appreciate that you have a choice of airlines and we thank you for choosing Veritas, a member of an incomprehensible alliance of obscure foreign outfits, most of which you have never heard of. Cabin crew, please make sure we have remembered to close the doors. Sorry, I mean: ‘Doors to automatic and cross-check’. Thank you for flying Veritas.”

在度过飞机起飞这最危险的一段后，机长会说上一两句话，要么声音小得连蚊子都听不到，要么大得能把死人喊醒。所以您请坐好、放松并享受旅行。我们感谢您选择飞机出行并搭乘真相班机。本航班由一家您所不知道的外国兄弟机构提供全套设备，当然，这些设备多数您也闻所未闻。乘务员，请确认我们关好了舱门。抱歉，我是说，“可自检的自动门”。感谢您乘坐真相航空。